It was a middle of the summer when you called me. I heard your soft and nice voice and none of my muscles vibrated to it. Sad. I know that we had plans to move in together by the end of the summer, I know that I had promised you a lot and I felt really sorry. So sorry that I could not pronounce these words and I knew that I was leaving you heartbroken. I heard you asking in a trembling voice:
– Why are you leaving me?
…I just kept silent. My throat was dry. I wanted to come up with the good excuse like ¨I met another girl¨ or ¨I have plans to travel around the world alone¨, but it sounded so vague and senseless that I hesitated to lie. After few seconds strange words came out of my mouth:
– Mmm…es que… (so well) I do not feel 100%
Probably the sentence was closest to the truth; probably it described the best why there was no vibration anymore. I was surprised as well; I wanted to do something to make you feel better. Maybe it was good that we were separated by 3000 km, otherwise, I would have started changing my mind.
Honestly, I don´t know what had happened and why I compare the feelings with the numbers, I just want you to feel less pain and give you a reason. No matter how vague it is. But you kept on torturing me.
– Ahhh…ok… But few weeks ago you have invited me to your nephew´s baptism? Doesn´t it mean anything? How much percentage did you feel then?
I kept silent but inside I was shouting ¨I don´t know what to say to you!!! Yes, I invited you and so what?¨. You made me feel bad and after few seconds I gave you the answer that you wanted:
– Well…I felt 75%
Then there was silence from your side, I almost felt your pain transmitting through the phone and touching me, I could not stand this anymore. I made a mistake, I thought I knew myself, I thought I loved you and I was wrong. You hung the phone. I hope one day you will be able to forgive me.
It was quite cold in a middle of the winter; I was sitting on the sofa with you and I was looking through a bit dirty windows. It was a while since I have washed them, I will do it later today. In general, I felt happy with myself and my life – new position, great friends, and my own flat. Also you, sitting calmly on my sofa – beautifully attractive, I wanted to kiss you but there was something that stopped me from doing so. Suddenly a question crossed my mind and I asked you:
– What do you need from me?
I saw you shivering and freezing at the same time. It surprised you so much that you was about to escape as you always did, when I wanted to define what is happening between us.
– Well…mmmm…I have to go…
I heard you mumbling.
I know that I made you feel uncomfortable, but this time I could not let you get away without me being clear to you. I really needed to clean those windows, so I continued:
– I think you want a commitment, but I am not 100% sure if I want the same.
I saw thoughts running in your head, calmness disappeared and you started to move trying to escape my embrace. Overall I just wanted fun time and with you, it was getting serious. I wanted you to shout on me, so I could feel better, but you just stood up and left. You have never called me again and I started to wash my windows.
To all the girls in the world, I would like to say that the percentage, the time, the distance has absolutely no impact when you are about to decide on what you really want. I know, you will argue, finding one million excuses and explanations and that is all right. Believing in something, finding our own reasons help us to thrive and I am not saying that you are wrong. Defend your values, your life and your choices, but please be aware and honest with yourself and this is not easy. Believe me.
I also know that there are honest and respectful men, who are making mistakes and are brave enough to recognize them. Who know how to apologize and do not keep important words only in their minds. I believe in men, who want you and only you despite circumstances, differences and mood fluctuations. I believe in the ones who never give up and I hope you are with one of them.